Harry Potter and the Poltergeist's Plothole
by I AM ZE BETA
Summary: Crack! Multishot! Umbridge goes too far during detention and kills Harry! But what will happen when the Boy-Who-Lived becomes the Boy-Who-Lived-Twice? Poltergeist!Harry! Harry Peeves and the Weasley twins will get their revenge on Umbridge and ruin her school. Plots, pranks, and fun abound!
1. The Incident

**A/N: Just an idea me and my bud had. I will write this when my muse is gone for both Mind Lords, and my own Original Content story The Psy-Wars.**

At five to five Harry bade his two friends goodbye and set off for Umbridge's office on the third floor. When he knocked on the door she called, "Come in," in a sugary voice. He entered cautiously, looking around.

He had known this office under three of its previous occupants.

In the days when Gilderoy Lockhart had lived here it had been plastered in beaming portraits of himself. When Lupin had occupied it, it was likely you would meet some fascinating Dark creature in a cage or tank if you came to call. In the impostor Moody's days it had been packed with various instruments and artifacts for the detection of wrong doing and concealment. Now, however, it looked totally unrecognizable. The surfaces had all been draped in lacy covers and cloths. There were several vases full of dried flowers, each one residing on its own doily, and on one of the walls was a collection of ornamental plates, each decorated with a large technicolor kitten wearing a different bow around its neck. These were so foul that Harry stared at them, transfixed, until Professor Umbridge spoke again.

"Good evening, Mr. Potter."

Harry started and looked around. He had not noticed her at first because she was wearing a luridly flowered set of robes that blended only too well with the tablecloth on the desk behind her.

"Evening, Professor Umbridge," Harry said stiffly.

"Well, sit down," she said, pointing towards a small table draped in lace beside which she had drawn up a straight-backed chair. A piece of blank parchment lay on the table, apparently waiting for him.

"Er," said Harry, without moving. "Professor Umbridge. Er - before we start, I - I wanted to ask you a… a favor."

Her bulging eyes narrowed.

"Oh, yes?"

"Well, I'm… I'm in the Gryffindor Quidditch team. And I was supposed to be at the tryouts for the new Keeper at five o'clock on Friday and I was - was wondering whether I could skip detention that night and do it - do it another night… instead…"

He knew long before he reached the end of his sentence that it was no good.

"Oh, no," said Umbridge, smiling so widely that she looked as though she had just swallowed a particularly juicy fly. "Oh, no, no, no. This is your punishment for spreading evil, nasty, attention-seeking stories, Mr. Potter, and punishments certainly cannot be adjusted to suit the guilty one's convenience. No, you will come here at five o'clock tomorrow, and the next day, and on Friday too, and you will do your detentions as planned. I think it rather a good thing that you are missing something you really want to do. It ought to reinforce the lesson I am trying to teach you."

Harry felt the blood surge to his head and heard a thumping noise in his ears. So he told 'evil, nasty, attention-seeking lies', did he?

She was watching him with her head slightly to one side, still smiling widely, as though she knew exactly what he was thinking and was waiting to see whether he would start shouting again. With a massive effort, Harry looked away from her, dropped his schoolbag beside the straight-backed chair and sat down.

"There," said Umbridge sweetly, "we're getting better at controlling our temper already, aren't we? Now, you are going to be doing some lines for me, Mr. Potter. No, not with your quill," she added, as Harry bent down to open his bag. "You're going to be using a rather special one of mine. Here you are."

She handed him a long, thin black quill with an unusually sharp point.

"I want you to write, I must not tell lies," she told him softly.

"How many times?" Harry asked, with a creditable imitation of politeness.

"Oh, as long as it takes for the message to sink in," said Umbridge sweetly. "Off you go."

She moved over to her desk, sat down and bent over a stack of parchment that looked like essays for marking. Harry raised the sharp black quill, and then realized what was missing.

"You haven't given me any ink," he said.

"Oh, you won't need ink," said Professor Umbridge, with the merest suggestion of a laugh in her voice.

Harry placed the point of the quill on the paper and wrote: _I must not tell lies_.

He let out a gasp of pain. The words had appeared on the parchment in what appeared to be shining red ink. At the same time, the words had appeared on the back of Harrys right hand, cut into his skin as though traced there by a scalpel - yet even as he stared at the shining cut, the skin healed over again, leaving the place where it had been slightly redder than before but quite smooth.

Harry looked round at Umbridge. She was watching him, her wide, toadlike mouth stretched in a smile.

"Yes?"

"Nothing," said Harry quietly. Inwardly his mind was racing. _Where had Umbridge gotten that Blood Quill? And could he use this to get the toad bitch fired?_

He looked back at the parchment, placed the quill on it once more, wrote I must not tell lies, and felt the searing pain on the back of his hand for a second time; once again, the words had been cut into his skin; once again, they healed over seconds later.

And on it went. Again and again Harry wrote the words on the parchment in what he soon came to realize was not ink, but his own blood. And, again and again, the words were cut into the back of his hand, healed, and reappeared the next time he set quill to parchment.

Darkness fell outside Umbridge's window. Harry did not ask when he would be allowed to stop. He did not even check his watch. He knew she was watching him for signs of weakness and he was not going to show any, not even if he had to sit there all night, cutting open his own hand with this quill…

"Come here," she said, after what seemed hours.

He stood up. His hand was stinging painfully. When he looked down at it he saw that the cut had healed, but that the skin there was red raw.

"Hand," she said.

He extended it. She took it in her own. Harry repressed a shudder as she touched him with her thick, stubby fingers on which she wore a number of ugly old rings.

"Tut, tut, I don't seem to have made much of an impression yet," she said, smiling. "Well, we'll just have to try again tomorrow evening, won't we? You may go."

Harry turned to face Umbridge, "Professor, I feel that I should tell you something before I leave."

Her toadish face stretched into an even wider grin, "Yes Mr. Potter? What is it you would like to tell me?"

Harry chuckled lightly "I am going to send a pensieve memory of this detention to both Professor Dumbledore and the Minister himself! That Blood Quill is a banned object, and the possession of one will land you in Azkaban for 300 years!"

Umbridge's clammy face paled. "You foolish boy, you wouldn't dare! I was going to let you live filthy halfblood! But now…now, I will have to silence you Potter."

Harry backed up; feeling the rough stone abruptly hit his back. He plunged his right hand into his pocket, flinching as the raw skin scraped against the coarse fabric. He pulled his wand out, and leveled it at Umbridge. "Stay back Umbitch! Let me leave, and I'll let you live!"

A sinister laugh left the Defense professor's lips. "Yes, and what do you think a boy like you could do to me, a fully trained witch?"

Harry faltered. She was right, what could he do? He was 15, and despite her grotesque body, the bitch had plenty of magic at her disposal, he could feel it now, rolling of her toad body in waves.

"Do you see Potter? Surrender your wand, and I'll make it quick, if you resist, I'll torture you first."

Harry switched his wand to his left hand and anxiously wiped his right on the hem of his robes, before switching the wand back. "I'll never surrender toad! I've killed one professor, wiped the mind of another, and watched a third one get Kissed in front of me. I've got a pretty good track record with outliving my Defense teachers."

"Fine then Potter, you leave me no choice." Umbridge said, that same sickening sweetness in her tone. "The Cruciatias might make you change your mind. CRUCIO!"

Harry rolled aside, the red curse impacted against the wall behind him. He raised his wand again. "EXPELLIARMUS!"

Umbridge simply batted the spell aside with her wand. "You've got to do better Potter. CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO!"

Again Harry tried to dodge, but his ankle got caught by the torture curse. He fell to the ground as the dreaded torture curse began to work. His skin felt as if it was simultaneously being shredded and flayed. Against his will, a terrible scream left his throat, but it served only to leave another avenue for the magic to travel and destroy.

Umbridge held the spell for a good half-hour, relishing in the screams of pain from Harry. "You should be proud Potter. The Longbottoms only lasted for 10 minutes when I used this spell on them, its been 30 already. However, it is getting late, and I need to prepare for school tomorrow. After all, not everyone can look this good, it takes time."

Harry lay against the ground, panting. The aftershock of the curse kept him pinned in place awaiting his fate.

"Good bye Mr. Potter, it's been terrible to know you I'm afraid. AVADA KEDAVRA!" The sickeningly green bolt slammed into Harry's body, and he knew only blackness.

**A/N: How'd ya like it? In the words of my IRL buddy Stormplains. .Review.**

**P.S. Any X-Men Evolution fans should read her story D-Factor. I'm her Beta for that, and she is the reason this account exists.**

**P.S.S Any ideas for pranks can be reviewed or PMed to me, and i will consider them. If they make the cut, you will be credited, no worries there!**


	2. The Prank

**A/N: Here you go guys, the next installment of the Poltergeist's Plothole! Many thanks to those who have read and reviewed, now enjoy!**

When Harry next awoke, he was in a world formed solely of shapeless white smoke. _Where am I? _He asked himself, _What is this place?_

His eyes fell upon his right hand, where previously the skin was scraped raw and red; it was smooth and unblemished, as it had been the day he was born. Slowly, Harry hesitantly ran his fingers over the rest of his nude form. The scar on his right calf, left from Aunt Marge's bulldog Ripper? Gone. The numerous scars on his back from Vernon's belt? Gone as well.

He gently stroked his now scar-free forehead with wonder. At last he was free, at last, Voldemort's hold over him was no more.

After a time, Harry began to feel self-conscious about his nudity, and wished for a set of robes to appear. One did, materializing in a neat pile at his feet. He quickly donned the snow white cloak, and let it fall around him, restoring his modesty.

Almost immediately after his robe settled around his shoulders, two figures began to emerge from the infinite mist. At first only their shapes were visible, but soon Harry could see the flame red of one's hair, and the pitch black of the other's. As they approached, he recognized the figures, and kicked himself for how long it had taken him to realize.

"Mum! Dad!" He screamed, running to meet them. As he skidded to a halt in front of his parents, tears of joy began to fall. He pulled his mother into a hug, shamelessly sobbing into her pure white robe. "How? How are you alive? Where is this place?"

A low laugh came from James Potter's throat. "Typical boy, you don't even say hi to your old man before you start jabbering."

Harry released Lily, and embraced his father. "Dad. You're alive! How did it happen? How did you survive Voldemort's attack?"

Lily's quiet calm voice answered. "We didn't my dear son. You have joined us in the realm of the dead."

Harry reeled backwards from the shock. Slowly, all too slowly the memories of his last minutes of life came back to him. "Oh God, I did die, Umbitch killed me."

James chuckled at that. "That my son is a nickname worthy of the son of a marauder. I graduated with Delores, and even then she was toadish. Rumors spread quickly about her rapid ascension to Senior Undersecretary of the Minister, but nobody truly believed that Bagnold would have slept with Delores, and despite his idiocy, Crouch was too afraid of his ex-wife to cheat on her."

"Why am I here?" Harry asked. "If this is the realm of the dead, where is everybody else?"

"I was incorrect when I said that Harry," Lily answered. "It is better to think of this as the point between worlds. You see, unlike most you have a choice in life. When Delores cast that dreadful curse, it separated your soul from your body, killing you. However unlike most, you had more than 1 soul and that is what granted you a tether of life."

Harry just stared at his mother. "More than one soul? How is that even possible?"

James answered this time. "Magic son, the Darkest and most vile kind. When the curse rebounded, a piece of Voldemort's soul split off and attached to you, it is why you feel pain when he is near, and why you have those dreams. 1/128th of Voldemort's soul rested in yours, but then in your second year, you fought a shade of Voldemort, a piece of his soul left inside his school diary. And when you destroyed it's housing, it bonded with soul piece in your scar."

"So now I have 2/128ths of Voldemort in me?" Harry asked. It made him feel unclean, and unconsciously, he started to rub his forehead, in the spot that his scar used to be in.

"Actually," James corrected. "You had 65/128ths since the first time he split his soul was for the diary, it had a full half soul in it. And when Delores' curse tore your soul out…"

"…it attacked the first soul it could find." Harry concluded, "So why am I here then? If only Voldemort's soul was destroyed, then I should have lived. Unless…some of mine was as well."

Lily nodded sadly, "You have 65/128ths of your soul left intact, and your body cannot survive without a full soul."

"But Volde—" Harry started.

"Used a Dark ritual to enhance his body's durability, your old body is dead, and no body can sustain your soul now." Lily interrupted. "On the bright side however, with more than half of his soul destroyed beyond repair, Voldemort was killed too. Delores actually did us a favor in her own way."

"You said I have a choice!" Harry shouted. "But all you've said is that I'm dead, and I can't go back!" He sat on the smoky floor, tears welling up in his eyes. "All I've ever wanted is to be normal, and I can't! I've never even kissed a girl, but now I'm dead, and I'll never get to!"

"Nobody ever said you couldn't go back Harry," Lily said calmly. "You will not have your body, but you will have access to your magic, and you can interact with the world around you. You will become a—"

She was interrupted by the sound of gigantic fireworks exploding. The rockets left a green haze in the air, which then came together to form... "A POLTERGEIST!" Peeves shouted as he finished assimilating. "This is going to be the bestest! I've finally got a new friend, and his name is POTTY! AHAHAHHAHAHA!"

The poltergeist started dancing in the air as he sang.

"_Potty and Peevsie,_

_They're rather cheesy,_

_But they're the bestest,_

_Better than the restest!"_

Having finished his song, Peeves swooped down to Harry. "So Potty, have you made up your mind? You can die, come back as a boring old ghost, or you can be the bestest buddy to the bestest poltergeist in the bestest castle in the whole wide world!"

Harry looked to his parents for support. "It's your decision Harry," James said. "But this will be your chance to finish growing up before you have to come back and live with us for all time. Besides, as a poltergeist, you can switch between worlds at a whim, and with Voldemort dead, you've got nothing to worry about, other than driving that toad bitch out of the castle!"

His mind made up, Harry turned to the poltergeist who was idly twiddling his thumbs and humming to himself. "I'll do it Peeves; I'll come back with you."

"Oh goody!" Peeves said dancing again. "This needs a song." He cleared his throat,

"_Potty and Peevsie,_

_They're rather cheesy,_

_But they're the bestest,_

_Better than the restest!"_

Harry winced at the grating noise that Peeves made. "Let's just go Peeves; it's been a long day."

Lily chuckled at that, "Oh this day has only begun Harry; poltergeists can't sleep, so for you this is the first and last day of your un-life."

Peeves grabbed Harry's arm. "Let's go Potty, we have so much havoc to cause, poltergeists are required by law to do prank everyone in the castle at least once a year, and that filthy freaky Filch won't even know what hit him." Here he cupped his hand around his mouth and whispered in Harry's ear. "It's gonna be me, but don't tell Filchy, we don't want to spoil the surprise. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

With that, Peeves Apparated the two of them back to Earth, appearing with a pop in the defense classroom. The hundreds of cats all awoke with a start and started meowing loudly "Quiet you! C'mon Potty I need you to pull out your wand, you're the one with magic, you dummy."

"But I don—"Harry started, but was interrupted by Peeves pushing the back of his head until his neck hit his chest. He was in the clothes he had died in, although they were oddly transparent like the rest of his body. "I guess I do have my wand after all, thanks Peeves."

"Please call me Peevsie." The poltergeist said with a bow. "It's the bestest name ever! Now pull out your wand!"

Harry drew his phoenix feather wand, lighting up the tip with a simple 'Lumos.' "What's the plan Peeves? Do you have anything you want to do to Umbridge tonight?"

"Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! It's gonna be the awesomest thing you've ever seen! First, Switch the toad's ass cheek with a whoopee cushion, one of the auto refilling ones, they're the funnest!"

Harry nodded and waved his wand, "ABEO!" Mentally he focused on Umbridge's ass, and a self refilling whoopee cushion, feeling the pulse of magic that signified success, he turned to Peeves, and said: "It's done, what's next."

Peeves swooped around the room. "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! That toad better watch out, Potty and Peevsie are on her tail! WAHOO! Take that Umbitch!"

"Peeves!" Harry snapped. "What is the next prank for tonight? Or, will we call it a day?"

Peeves floated up next to Harry, "Oh no, it's never a day after only one prank! We've got a lot to do still. FOLLOW ME!"

He flew through the office door, and led Harry out onto the 2nd floor. The two poltergeists flew up to the 5th floor, and through a painting of a cat to reach the living quarters of one Delores Umbridge. The inside of her rooms were covered with even more doilies, and pictures of cats. A framed photograph of Umbridge posing with the Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was sitting on a cabinet. Harry examined it, and saw lipstick stains around Fudge's face.

"Eww gross. Peeves come check this out." Harry said.

Peeves floated over. "Ooh gross? I love gross, gross is the bestest kind of stuff." Upon seeing the picture, Peeves just shook his head. "That's nothing, come look at what I found."

Harry followed him over to the side of the room, where a huge picture of a slaughtered werewolf hung. A knight in shining white armor stood with his foot on the back of the creature, and his sword raised. "What's so gross about that Peeves, it's disturbing, but still…"

"No, no, no. Potty pay attention!" Peeves lifted the painting off, and behind it was a large safe. Peeves reached through the safe, and pulled out a thick leather-bound book. "I found this thingie last month. Here look at it."

Harry slowly cracked open the large tome, before hastily snapping it shut. He wretched violently, sending ectoplasmic vomit all over Umbridge's sitting room. "What the fuck Peeves! Why'd you do that! That was absolutely revolting!"

Peeves grabbed the book, "What don't you like toad porn? Let's see, here's Umbitch fucking Fudgie, he deserves it too, he tried to outlaw poltergeists in Britain, luckily DumbOldWhore stopped him. Ooh, Umbitch fucking a whale, Umbitch fucking herself, damn, for a toad she really is flexible. Whoah! Can you even do that with a cricket bat?"

Harry grabbed Peeves' hair. "If you don't shut up about what's in that book, I'll refuse to help you with another prank again."

Peeves began to cry, "Why? I thought we were going to be bestest buddies forever and ever? You're nothing but a slimy double edged snake!"

Harry gulped, "Peeves." The poltergeist ignored him, and rocked back and forth sobbing violently. "Peeves, I promise I won't stop helping you, just stop crying!"

Peeves sniffled, "Really?" He jumped into Harry's arms, pulling him into a hug. "You're the best Potty, really. The bestest friend a ghost could ever want. But…" He reached up, and grabbed Harry's nose. "Got your conk! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Harry just rolled his eyes, "Alright Peeves, what's your big plan for her now?"

"Oh it's going to be marvelous! We Stick her legs together, and then she can only frog hop around the castle, and we spell a toad speak potion into her, so that she can only croak while she hops, and with every hop, the whoopee cushion goes off!"

A grin worthy of a Marauder slowly spread across Harry's face. "Perfect my dear Peeves, perfect."

Stepping through the door to Umbridge's quarters, Harry stopped, and vomited again. "Eww, that was gross."

Again Peeves perked up at his favorite word. "Gross? Here I come!" He flew straight through the door, and Harry could hear him talk, "What's so gross about th—"

He corkscrewed back through the door, a transparent hand shielding his eyes. "POTTY! That was awesome! I'm going back in."

Harry idly followed, wondering if Peeves had seen what he had. Umbridge was laying flat on her back, naked as the day she was born. Her stubby left hand was buried inside of herself all the way up to her elbow, and she was groaning in her sleep. "Oh Corny, right there. Oooh that hits the spot, come on Corny, you said you'd make me cum for every dementor that I sent out against the Potter boy."

Harry's hand fell from in front of his eyes as the new information made itself known. He fingered his wand slowly. "You will pay for this Umbitch. Your dementors ate my cousin's soul, and then you tried to arrest me for it. One day…you will know the meaning of fear, but until then…AGGLUTINO!"

The sticking spell hit Umbridge's thigh, and Harry grimaced at what he would have to do next, tucking his wand away, the young ghost grasped his former teacher's arm, and slowly pulled it out, wincing at the squelching sounds. After almost 5 minutes of careful pulling, Harry removed the last of her wrist with a soft pop.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Harry pushed Umbridge's legs together, and as soon they met, the flesh Stuck together, and would remain so for 24 hours. Finally, he grabbed the vial of Frog Speak that Peeves held out to him, and poured it down her throat.

"There Peeves, it's done. Now let's get out of here before she wakes up, it is almost dawn." The two poltergeists flew up through the ceilings, all the way up to the Astronomy Tower. "Here should be fine, there are no classes until 9:30 tonight."

Peeves mischievously rubbed his hands together. "This was the first of many nights, tomorrow we will do even better, I wanna do something huge, like turn Gryffindor tower bright green!"

"Hey!" Harry protested. "I can't do that, what would my friends think?" A sudden melancholy fell over him, _What will they think? I am a ghost. A prankster that is required to catch all of the First Years with at least one prank a year. Will I lose their friendship by having come back?_

Peeves just scoffed. "C'mon Potty, turn invisible we need to spy on Umbridge's reaction, the aftermath is always the best."

**A/N: Coming soon to a website near you THE AFTERMATH! Ok, joke's over, on a more serious note, I am looking for a Beta reader. Yes, I realize the irony of that with my penname. If you are interested, PM, or drop a review!**


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